I’ve got posts of my own coming soon, but first, I want to share with you Dr. Troy Hinkel’s follow-up from his popular but controversial piece “10 Ways Catholic Parents Can Raise Atheist Children.“
In my previous post, 10 Ways Catholic Parents Can Raise Atheist Children, I apparently created more controversy than I had intended. Rather than leave that article stand on its own, I wanted to follow up with something more hopeful, for, as GK Chesterton often stated, ours is a Lord who knows the way out of the tomb. In other words, there’s always hope. Even parents who didn’t do the things mentioned in the previous post can still experienced deep sadness and disappointment at choices their offspring make. I want to offer to points on what we can do in such situations.
One of the first and most necessary elements of sharing the Good News of Christ with someone is to build a relationship of trust with them, which can only be done with time and love. Fortunately, when it comes to parenting, we parents have this opportunity already built in with our children. With this in mind, I wish to offer the following:
- Jesus has already told us that prayer and fasting/offering sacrifices are powerful when it comes to casting out darkness (cf. Mark 9:29.) It’s the means He chose to defeat Satan, and therefore adds His power to our prayers and sacrifices when we offer it with Him. Be sure to offer these for your children. Don’t be surprised if He doesn’t answer it in your time and your way, though. His delay is not a sign of his disinterest; rather, it’s His way of purifying you, as He wants to change you as well.
- Reevaluate how you are living your own life and how apparent is your love of Jesus and neighbor. This may require a reprioritization (check my last blog post for suggestions!)
- Engage you son or daughter in meaningful conversations that are devoid of judgments or corrections (as much as possible.) This doesn’t mean that you accept what they’re doing; it means that you’re seeking to find out what inspires them, what are their passions, so that you can affirm the good that they are seeking.
- Find opportunities to engage in activities together, whether going to dinner, coffee, or philanthropic events.
- More prayer and sacrifices, including having Masses said. Our children don’t need to know about this secret weapon, of course, but having Masses said is another heavenly tool our Lord bequeathed to us to change hearts and win souls!
- Fretting and worry is useless! Give it over to Our Lord and Our Lady. St. Maximillian Kolbe once commented that he no longer sees worries or troubles, only Our Lady’s mantle! He entrusted everything to her.
- Learn about saints who were unbelievers or indifferent to God but then came to faith and ask for their intercession. Saints like Edith Stein, Bartolo Longo, Mary of Egypt, and Charles de Foucauld are just a few heavenly friends who experienced conversions from unbelief to belief and are eager to help you!
- Get into the game. You have a mission to serve Jesus in deep friendship and proclaim His kingdom to others. By living out this call generously, you open flood gates of grace for other endeavors in your life, like praying for and helping your children back to God.
- Keep in mind that many (if not most) atheists became so due to wounds, hurts, disappointments, bad relationships, anger and at God or others, and other non-intellectual reasons. Therefore, charity and understanding may have more of an effect than arguments.
- Still, know arguments for the existence of God, Christ, and His Church. Perhaps challenges posed by your children to you are God’s way of prompting you to learn more about Him.
Don’t lose hope but gain trust. Our Lord wants our kids’ salvation more than we do. He only asks for our faith and response. I hope this list is a helpful tool for you to grow in peace and achieve final victory!
Basically there is nothing I would like to add to the list. Well, maybe one thing: be persistent and don’t lose hope. My parents waited several difficult years and I finally came back. And I know I wouldn’t be in the faith again ft it wasn’t for them. My case was kind of special, though, because I had a wonderful childhood and I always associated the Church with the good things in my life.
Joe – The beautiful artwork always wonderfully complements the articles on your site. Much appreciated. The art which shows the beauty, the honor, and the virtues in God’s creation is worth every minute of contemplation.
I think there’s value in not trying too hard, understanding your kids, and understanding how to be strategic.
My kids are all in various stages of atheism, depending on when you talk to them:
– My 13-year-old is the one most convinced she’s an atheist.
– My 15-year-old goes along with this, mainly because she thinks I won’t make her go to church if she can convince me she’s an atheist.
– My 5-year-old has been listing to his sisters and likes to YELL that he doesn’t believe in God whenever I tell him that he has to put pants on because we’re going to church.
Some of this is my fault because over the years there have been stretches where we didn’t attend, but then again there were also stretches where we were very involved, so who knows.
Anyway, the battle I choose is simply to get them to show up with me every week. I don’t micromanage what they wear or what they do (as long as they are quiet). Am hoping that just by dragging them into His presence on a regular basis, that will open the door for them to have their own relationship with Him. I think if I did any more than that, I would just drive them away, since they are very stubborn kids.
I did tell my 13-year-old that she’s allowed to stay home from church when: 1) she can articulate to me the historical and philosophical arguments for the existence of God; and 2) she can articulate to me why she rejects them. She initially responded with a snarky comment about how she’s “not allowed to make her own decisions,” to which I clarified that OF COURSE she can make her own decisions, but they have to be informed decisions. Since then, she and I have had some pretty good theological discussions, so – progress? I guess?
Anyway, that’s how I handle my “atheist” kids.
As long as you pay the bills , they must do as you say.! Amen!
It might be hard to do, but I think explaining the parables of Jesus regarding the necessity of ‘bearing fruit’ to such children (that is, if you can get them to sit down and be serious for a while), might help. He spoke a lot on this subject in the Gospels, for instance:
“A certain man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard, and he came seeking fruit on it, and found none. [7] And he said to the dresser of the vineyard: Behold, for these three years I come seeking fruit on this fig tree, and I find none. Cut it down therefore: why cumbereth it the ground? But he answering, said to him: Lord, let it alone this year also, until I dig about it, and dung it. And if happily it bear fruit: but if not, then after that thou shalt cut it down.”
A parent can ask them what they think ‘fruit’ means? And also, Jesus provides a lesson that just as plants need to be protected from the encroachment of weeds and roots that seek to rob their essential nutrients necessary for life, so to do people need the same regarding the spiritual life. Clearly, unfaithful children have been seriously damaged in the manner that Jesus details, and that the ‘world, the flesh and the Devil’ …the weeds….are encroaching on they souls. So, ‘digging’ and ‘dunging’ both try to keep the encroaching roots away from the cherished plant and also add essential nutrients to repair the damage already inflicted by neglecting to do weeding….of because the tree was planted too close to another whose roots are encroaching on it.
So, any way that both fertilizes and weeds (…or trenches around) the plant is the solution. The trick is to find the best fertilizer for the particular tree. But, at least these things can be discussed with the child. And here are a few more quotes from the Lord on the same subject:
1. “And some fell among thorns; and the thorns grew up, and choked it, and it yielded no fruit.” [Mark 4:7]
2. “And that which fell among thorns, are they who have heard, and going their way, are choked with the cares and riches and pleasures of this life, and yield no fruit.” [Luke 8:14]
3. “Either make the tree good and its fruit good: or make the tree evil, and its fruit evil. For by the fruit the tree is known.”
[Matthew 12:33]
4. “Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit, and the evil tree bringeth forth evil fruit.” [Matthew 7:17]
5. “A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can an evil tree bring forth good fruit.” [Matthew 7:18]
6. “For every tree is known by its fruit. For men do not gather figs from thorns; nor from a bramble bush do they gather the grape.” [Luke 6:44]
“Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit, shall be cut down, and shall be cast into the fire.” [Matthew 7:19]
My four adult children were all baptized, raised and educated in the Catholic faith, however; because of bad marriages which one refuses to look into an annulment which he very easily could obtain, and even with the other getting an annulment, none of them profess to believe that our Catholic church is the one true faith so unless they receive a “Damascus event” in their lives, I’ve had to step back from my constant attempts to bring them back and can now only continue my constant and daily prayers for their return and re-conversion to their baptized faith. I have to believe that when the Holy Spirit is ready to open the eyes of their souls, hearts and minds, there is nothing more I can do except be the best example to them I’ve always tried to be in faith matters and leave the rest to God. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life and of course, I always remain open to any help or advice, but it’s looking like I simply have to hope and pray that in God’s time and not mine, this will be accomplished.
Thank you for your patience, Suzanne. That sounds incredibly painful. The only thing I can think to say is to recall the patience of Saint Monica, who waited over twenty years for her son to return to the Faith, but when he did, he became one of the Church’s greatest defenders.
thx
Ask your kids and family members if they are going to do anything for St. Patricks Day on March 17th.
If they say they are going to a party, then hand them a downloaded and printed copy of St. Patricks complete autobiography from the web….it is only 8 pages long on 8.5 x 11 paper (4 pages front and back…and so very readable for youth).
I did this very thing about 4 days ago with my ‘non-Church going’ nephew. And, as he was reading it…while I was talking to another family member…he was smiling, showing that he was captivated by something He was reading.
About 20 minutes later I left the room to get something to eat, and heard him ask the other family member that was present, who attends daily Mass: “Here it says, that we will be held accountable for EVERY IDLE WORD we utter at the ‘judgement of God….Have you ever heard anything like this before….’every idle word’?
At that point I came back with my food and quickly quipped, right on cue: “Yup…thats exactly what’s going to happen…like it or not. Jesus said that and that’s how it’s going to be.” ….” But”, I added, “this is why we need to always try to speak good things, because we will be judged by these also, and reap a reward for them. So, it’s not only negative. So, it’s good to get going on only doing and saying good things in this world, because we can’t escape the consequences of what we do.”
He liked the discussion, and continued to read the short ‘autobiography of St. Patrick” that I gave him. We also chatted for about 20 mins. on various other stories in the bio. I’ll check up on him in a few weeks. But…any progress is better than no progress….especially with the people we love.
Show them the evidence that demands a verdict, piece by piece.
Hook up your TV to the Net and watch one miraculous testimony a day. Youtube is full of them.
Forget the RC vs. other Christians debates, you may learn something also.